Gilman responses

Funny that it took a mandatory survey evaluation that I have to fill out for the Gilman Scholarship to get me to update this blog... ;)

Before studying abroad, I was very uncertain whether I would pursue law or teaching as a career after graduation. The prospect of being a nonprofit lawyer seemed very attractive to me and I thought that it was perhaps the best option out of the two. But Oxford has taught me a lot more about myself and made me realize that my true passions reside in my love of English literature and writing and that I want to remain in academia in order to share my knowledge with others, giving them the resources to understand and interpret literature for themselves and apply its many themes and motifs in their own lives.

This is especially true when I relate my academic experience at Oxford with the volunteer work I did at the OK Club, a Christian youth charity in London founded in the 1950s by Oxford students. Many of the young people who attend the Club are only introduced to classical pieces of literature in secondary school. Although some of the young people read on their own or write as a hobby, many lack the proper mentorship to really flourish their talents. I realized in developing relationships with these young people the influence that I can make as a secondary school English teacher, and the way it can challenge me to explore the field of English literature, pushing me to constantly reinterpret literature upon every read and always discovering something new in the text that was not thought of before. The prospect excites me and would not have come to my mind in such a way if it were not for my experience studying abroad. For this reason and countless others, I am extremely thankful for this opportunity.

My entire life has changed because of this study abroad experience. It seemed that all of the things that people say about studying abroad came true for me upon living in a different country for more than 6 months. The past half-year or so of my life can be classified as cinematic as I feel transformed as a character in a film and the series of events which have occurred to me seem less like real life and more like a brilliant movie script. I arrived in Oxford having never been independent of my parents for more than a short time, and always being taken care of by someone somewhere. I left Oxford knowing how to cook, clean, organize and reorganize in a very short amount of time for a good number of people. I left more mature than I was before and more able to adapt to tough, stressful, and urgent situations. My experience abroad has pushed me academically, emotionally, spiritually. I have been challenged in being a Chinese-American and have come to terms with my identity as both nationalities, finding peace with my identity by defining myself based on my Christian faith rather than on any other form of being distinguished as a person.

Oxford University has been quite a challenge and as a result, it has prepared me adequately to tackle the rest of my time at DePauw University and effectively any graduate school program I choose to attend. It has challenged me to think beyond and go further with my writing, and effectively, it will make me a terrific teacher one day as I push my students to reach their potential as I have been pushed to reach mine. In addition, I have made close friends in England who I will keep in touch consistently and have gladly called them sisters for their constant support and encouragement. I have had the pleasure of visiting their homes respectively and meeting their families, being introduced to the English lifestyle as well as its many beautiful landmarks. I have fallen in love with a half-English, half-Scottish bloke from Birmingham who has blown my original plans out of the water and made me seriously consider moving to the United Kingdom permanently one day to start my life with him. My experience has been deep, moving, and painfully brilliant, and I would not give it up for the world. It has changed my life forever and shaped me into a better person. I see things with more open eyes than before and I'm happier as a result.

<3

The Ball of a Lifetime

The Oxford Community Church Hollywood & Oscars Themed Ball could not have gone any better last Friday (22 May). It was, by far, one of the best nights of my life. We began on Friday with Stu's arrival at Gloucester Green in regular clothes and his suit in his bag. Together we walked back to my flat, where he got changed and while he did so, I changed in my room. Upon entering the living room in my dress, Stu looked at me and said, "Wow, you look more formal than me... I feel underdressed..." then he paused, and looking at me in the eyes, said, "You look gorgeous," and we embraced. He later revealed via a photo comment just how he felt: "Made me really nervous at first...I was like... erm...ermm... wow!" Katie came downstairs and upon seeing us, complimented us both and I asked if she could take pictures. We took pictures, all the while both of us quite nervous... especially Stu, who was rambling and losing his words, and I thought it was quite cute.

We left shortly after, and upon arriving a bit too early, we went to a nearby path into the park and walked down there, kissing and just enjoying each other's company... we went into the King's Centre hand in hand and we got tickets for our champagne. We went into the hallway and got our glasses of champagne, then had some finger food served to us by students. Stu being his social self, had an easy time getting along with people in the church and introducing himself while finding out about others, while I got to see some familiar faces and enjoy my time with him. He whispered to me, "You have the best dress in the room" at least two times and I tried my best not to blush too much, though that was hard being around him in a suit ;)

We were then led into the main church room area and there in the big hall was where the majority of the Ball was held. We sat down at tables for supper after getting our meals buffet style. Stu was such a gentleman, he got along with everyone at the table and even got a water pitcher and started pouring water for everyone at the table. We got up later to get our desserts and upon coming back with our yummy desserts, I took a photograph of Stu's amazing dessert and Jenny from my Bible Study took a picture of us. And I realized that I'm learning, slowly, about how to deal with small and big issues in a relationship and the value of being honest as conflicts and plots from the devil usually lose their power when they are revealed, talked about honesty, and addressed in a relationship.

There was an "awards ceremony" for all the leavers at the Ball, so I encouraged Jenny to go up, though only afterwards did I realize that technically I count as a leaver as well... so I got a blue certificate :) There was also a neat spoof powerpoint with nominations for best actors and best actresses in movies that it was quite funny throughout. All the leavers also had to go up again for a game of charades, where I got to play the lion to demonstrate "Gladiator" with three other people. Jenny held my hand and dragged me up there. Sweet gal. Stu was in the audience enjoying himself as I'm trying my best to get over my shyness on stage.

I came to meet him afterwards and we watched as two professional ballroom dancers performed a few dances for us. Amazing. Then there was this incredible performance by five guys of "Stronger" by Daft Punk on stage where the guys had words on their bodies and through dance, showed the lyrics to the song. Absolutely incredible. Then a live band came on and began setting up.

Meanwhile, Stu kept eyeing the bouncy castle in the back of the room and I gave him a hint that if he still wanted to go on there, now would be the time... he immediately started walking towards the castle and once we were near it, he picked me up and with me in his arms he jumped on top of it. We practically flew and I had so much fun just bouncing around. Some girls then joined us soon after and wow, it was madness but amazing fun. Afterwards, we joined the dancing crowds. Stu is a fun dance partner and I found myself often not being able to dance properly because I was too busy laughing with him. He had some songs he approved and a lot he wasn't so fond of. Our musical tastes definitely differ a bit, but I let him have his go :) We danced for quite a bit and all the while I'm finding myself liking him more and more. We rested every now and then, until it became late in the evening and Stu was completely beat since he's still sick at this point, so we sat down and just cuddled, resting in each other's arms and talking about the evening. As it passed midnight, we both decided that it's time to go and said a few byes to some people before heading out the door.

We walked back using the dark path in the park in order to enjoy the stars, and what a beautiful night of stars it was. The sky seemed to be painted on... absolutely gorgeous. I told Stu I'm happy to share this with him and he smiled, saying the same... we shared our kisses and took our time walking back, hand in hand... happily in love.

Praise to God for the way He blesses all of us everyday! It is only through Him and with Him that we share this joy, and boy are we both forever grateful for it! ;) Blessings!

First Date

By far, this is one of the most personal entries I'll ever put in this blog... but I think it's okay, because it means that much to me... It's a true testimony to how good God can be in my life and everyone else's if we just let go and trust, and if we stop worrying about what others may think or our own insecurities and... just praise Him and His Glory, especially when He blesses us, as He most definitely had this day:

2 May 2009... I'll never forget this day. What a beautiful day it was.

I came in a blue dress with white flowers, a gray cardigan over me to keep the wind from sweeping up and causing me to shiver... Stu came as himself, his hair gelled, wearing a t-shirt and thin short-sleeve shirt over it that, with large cargo pants and big boots... We were going to meet at Notting Hill Gate but ended up meeting at the Speaker's Corner of Hyde Park after I'd missed my bus stop. He came on a local bus to find me, and we hugged upon seeing one another, immediately smiling to begin the journey...

What a journey it was... We began walking through Hyde Park, into the beautiful London streets towards Victoria, where he would show me the memorial that Queen Victoria built for her husband... this enormous monument with her husband in gold at the center and four massive pieces of art at each corner, each representing a continent. After admiring the piece, we went on to catch a bus then the tube to Camden market... all the while the conversation is edging towards the topic of the date itself...

We got off the tube and I asked him if we could hold hands, he looked at me with a smile and said he was just about to ask the same thing... we held hands and walked around the market... revealing to each other how we felt, i told him i liked him from the start, he told me he was buying his time... we both came to the conclusion that we'd liked each other, but just hadn't told each other... and he kept stroking my hand, saying how soft it was... laughing out of the spur of the moment for no other reason than mere glee... we walked around the market and all the while he is explaining the history of the market as a horse hospital, about the stalls as former stables, and we took some pictures... and I felt self-conscious of holding hands with him, though inside I was happy, really happy to be doing so... We ate some Thai food and sat along the canal... among hoards of other people, laughing about the fact that we're on a date, finding more about each other... and at one point I initally made the suggestion that perhaps we should make our relationship official...

But as we veered out of Camden market, as we kept walking, I froze in fear. My emotions shut off and I just wanted out. I just wanted to be away and run, run as far as possible from the situation... and I told him honestly that actually, no... No, I don't think we should start dating officially, I think rather that... we should just be unofficially dating, that we should um, just not make it open for people to know yet, and... uh... in my mind, I kept racing for reasons, in my mind I thought, what if I just see him as a brother in Christ and nothing more? What if, what if? And Stu listened patiently and said that we can take this as slow as I'd like, that he understands, but I felt like a bird caught in a trap... completely taken aback by the situation... though when we agreed to not be "official", I sighed in relief and looked at him admiringly... and wondered what in the world I was so scared of... later on I realized that it was a defense mechanism, that it was my self-consciousness and my fear of what others may think, of my fears in general about letting myself get into a relationship...

So we walked on to Primrose Hill, and as we climbed the hill, Stu told me that I wasn't allowed to look down until we get to the top, and I said that it was like he was blindfolding me, and laughed... but when I got to the top and looked down, I was glad of what he said. In front of me was the most beautiful London skyline... it wasn't even from the very top but that didn't matter, it was so beautiful... and then for him to point out what each of the major structures were... the London eye, this building and that... I felt so overwhelmed. We picked a patch of grass and sat on it... cuddling. I wasn't the most comfortable at first just because it'd been so long since I'd been with anyone... and he was so, so nervous as well... both of our hearts were racing ridiculously fast, but I could tell how happy he was by the short sighs he'd give as he smiled... and the way he kept thanking me for coming out, though I kept telling him that he didn't need to thank me...

We stayed on the hill for hours, just talking and being with each other... sitting under a tree, telling stories about ourselves, our childhoods, our best friends and our family members... telling each other about our initial fears, about our hopes and dreams... and of course talking about our relationship... and I looked through his art pieces, complimenting his art, and he gave an original piece to me, saying "you're worth it" and traced my hand behind it... writing me a note inside the hand he drew... telling me not to open it until I left... and a Jack Russell dog kept coming along beside us, and children, and others...

After the hill we wanted to go to Regent's Park so we headed in that direction, walking.. and I still didn't feel sure, but I definitely was still enjoying myself... Stu introduced me to the London Zoo, saying that we ought to go one day... and I agreed and also suggested that we go see a Shakespearean play at the Globe Theatre... so we got to Regent's Park, and Stu took me along the path where we can see some of the zoo animals roaming around, I saw a kangeroo and camel, among other things... and we tried to find the Queen Mary's Garden, but ended up going the wrong way, so we just happily found this brown bench instead.. and sat down beside one another, cuddling... and being that my carnigan was off and he had his arms wrapped around me, he would put his face on my shoulders, and I could feel the scratchy feel of his beard on my skin... and I love rubbing his back, though he says he'll fall asleep if I do that enough since his father used to do that to him as a child to make him fall asleep and I'd try and give him a massage though he also says that makes him lethargic.. and he'd touch my wrist the way Ray Charles did so when he was alive to tell if a woman is pretty since Ray himself was blind...

And it was getting chilly, so he held tightly onto me.. and when I asked him about the distance thing, about all of the things that could prevent us from working out... he said, "Love has no boundaries" and essentially told me that he'd make it work... and I was completely honest with him about what I thought, about those fears and frustrations, and he said simply, "You think too much..."

We then took the tube to the Tower of London and walked along the Thames, and given that we got hungry, decided to walk across the Tower of London to find some food... and we found Subway's, and shared a footlong chicken terriyaki sub, sitting by the river... and he showed me videos of his niece and his dog... and texted his sister beside me... so we just enjoyed sitting a while...

And we went to see St. Paul's Cathedral, but it was getting later in the day, so all the shops were closed, and the streets were pretty empty... and all the while he had his arm around me and I had both of mine around him... and we just walked and talked, enjoying each other's company... we tried to find a loo, but couldn't find one in the area, and the one we did locate was dysfunctional, so we eventually decided on going to the Tate Modern for their facilities...

It was getting chilly and later in the day, nearing night... so we walked along the Thames nearing the museum, very much alone for most of the journey, taking photographs and laughing... he kept telling me stories and kept going on about the history of places, battleships and whatnot... we walked across on the London Bridge (a manmade steel bridge built primarily for its function and not for its style) and got to the Tate Modern... we went to use its facilities, then sat down and just snuggled up to one another, his arms around me... and he took out his notebook at one point and gave it to me with a pink pen, asking me to write some prayer request for him to keep in mind and he did the same for me... and as he was writing, I stroked circles on his knee with my fingertips... not exactly sure why, but it felt right... and afterwards, I ringed Katie about the tube times and found out that the Oxford Tube runs 24 hours... so I decided to stay a little longer, and I'm ecstatic that I did...

My favorite part of the date was our chilly but amazingly romantic walk alongside the Thames River, heading towards Big Ben and Parliament. He had his arm around me and I had both of mine around him, holding each other close as we looked upon the river with the city at night shining brightly ahead, the reflections flickering like candlelight on the river... and we passed the aquarium, and the National Gallery, and these trees lit with blue and white lights, the most beautiful trees... and lots of people walking, other couples walking... and he laughed sporadically, dazed in happiness, and sometimes turned his head to look me in the eyes, smiling... and we got to a bench, ironically the closest one to the bridge and the one with the best sight of Big Ben and Parliament... as if it was reserved just for this moment... and we sat down, watching as Big Ben made itself known at the quarter of the hour with its loud proclaimations to the night sky, its glowing green colour so beautiful, so nearby... and I leaned on him, so comfortable, so happy, so blessed, as we sat silently, both praising God in our hearts and minds, both in disbelief at the day, both never wanting to move anywhere else... just stay... and when he asked me what was going through my mind, I said simply, "I don't want to leave..." and we just sat comfortably, savouring the moment... even when some German guys joined us for a little, and even when they left, it didn't matter so much where we were... somehow it was... perfect.

But after half an hour of sitting, and realizing that I needed to get home else it'd be really late when I get back to Oxford, we got up and went on the tube to get to Victoria, to my bus station... he said I should get a cab this time of night to be safe so that he didn't have to "kill anyone" who hurts me. And there we were even closer, as I wrapped my arms around his neck and he had his around my waist and held onto me until the bus came... all the while, there was a National Express bus that came and he asked, "Is that your bus?" and upon me saying no, he said, "oh, thank God" and held me closer... but a few minutes later my bus showed, and we hugged, and he told me to let him know when I get home safely so he wouldn't worry... and I gave him a kiss on the cheek, which he smiled in complete and utter amusement afterwards... and held hands until I went onto the bus...

But even as I sat on the second level of the bus, he stayed outside, leaning against the wall (or was it a ledge?), waiting for the bus to leave... and I smiled at him often, amused at his waiting... but he didn't budge... even when the bus was starting to move, he stayed and I waved to him and blew him a kiss...

Poetry

Valentine
by Carol Ann Duffy

Not a red rose or a satin heart.

I give you an onion.
It is a moon wrapped in brown paper.
It promises light
like the careful undressing of love.

Here.
It will blind you with tears
like a lover.
It will make your reflection
a wobbling photo of grief.

I am trying to be truthful.

Not a cute card or a kissogram.

I give you an onion.
Its fierce kiss will stay on your lips,
possessive and faithful
as we are,
for as long as we are.

Take it.
Its platinum loops shrink to a wedding-ring,
if you like.

Lethal.
Its scent will cling to your fingers,
cling to your knife.


...This is such an incredible poem about love that I just had to share it. Absolutely breathtakingly beautiful poem. It inspires me to work harder on my own poetry, and realize just how powerful words really can be...

Jesu, meine Freude

by Johann Franck (1650)
-Inspiration for Bach's Jesu, meine Freude, BWV 227 (Mvt. I, II, III)

Jesus, my joy,
pasture of my heart,
Jesus, my adornment
ah how long, how long
is my heart filled with anxiety
and longing for you!
Lamb of God, my bridegroom,
apart from you on the earth
there is nothing dearer to me.

Beneath your protection
I am free from the attacks
of all my enemies.
Let Satan track me down,
let my enemy be exasperated –
Jesus stands by me.
Even if there is thunder and lightning,
even if sin and hell spread terror
Jesus will protect me .

I defy the old dragon,
I defy the jaws of death,
I defy fear as well!
Rage, World, and spring to attack:
I stand here and sing
in secure peace.
God’s might takes care of me;
earth and abyss must fall silent,
however much they rumble on.

Away with all treasures!
You are my delight,
Jesus, my joy!
Away with empty honours,
I’m not going to listen to you,
remain unknown to me!
Misery, distress, affliction, disgrace and death,
even if I must endure much suffering,
will not separate me from Jesus.

Good night, existence
chosen by the world,
you do not please me.
Good night , you sins,
stay far behind me.
Come no more to the light1
Good night , pride and splendour,
once and for all, sinful existence,
I bid you good night.

Go away, mournful spirits,
for my joyful master,
Jesus, now enters in.
For those who love God
even their afflictions
become pure sweetness.
Even if here I must endure shame and disgrace,
even in suffering you remain,
Jesus, my joy

...Just a reminder that He's ultimately the One in control, always.

Discovering the Self

[Copied from my private blog, originally dated 11 April 2009]

It's so funny how people love to stand on a podium and speak out against issues, against things, against ideas, yet the moment the person behind the words is revealed, that person hides in vulnerability. Behind the cape, the showmanship, the glamor, who is that person?

I had to see myself recently as I spent some time in an impoverished area in London as I really am. Challenged to the maximum, I cracked under pressure. What can I say? After over two years of being a Christian, my love for Christ is still minimal compared to what it can be and how strong it can be. It was a real wake up call for me to realize that I am in a place of privilege and what I do with that privilege is absolutely essential to my life as a Christian.

More specifically, I mean to say that I was in a tough area of London, an area where "youth work" essentially means working with 13 to 19 year old predominantly black male youth who are usually involved in gun crimes, kniving crimes, and other crimes of the sort... I found myself judging the community, the people, and especially the youth. I found myself unwilling to compromise, and very unhappy with my sickness, my flat, my flatmates, and the overall chaotic nature of the work. I found myself, frankly, as I really see things - from a privileged, ungrateful point of view.

This was confirmed when I went to meet one of my friends in Central London one day and afterwards, went to Regent's Park to sit for a little bit... I just realized as I sat in the park how much I missed being in a safer, nicer place, how much I missed seeing mothers and kids play nicely in the playground and having everything clean and neat around me. I walked back to the Underground and upon getting on the lift, I observed two men and one woman, all within their twenties looking very posh and affluent. I listened in on their conversation, not particularly by choice.

There was a board next to the lift that had two columns, each labeled "platform 1" and "platform 2" respectively. Below the label were a list of the stations each train on the respective platform would be carrying its passengers. One guy joked to the girl saying, "imagine if the lift took you directly to the station listed" refering to the board. The girl, looking appalled and reluctant at the idea, responded with something to the effect of, "God forbid I end up in Queen's Park".

Thing was, the place I volunteer is there. Yet I fully understood her point although I myself was repulsed by her response. I felt God tug at that shameful side of myself, of the pride of being "above" those people over there, of wanting to be isolated from such a place. Am I so highly religious and orderly that I am "above" such a place and people? Never! Yet, Christ was reshaping my perspective to see just how worldly my perspective has been and how unworldly it must become if He is to use it for His will. I felt utterly convicted, and quite ashamed of myself.

When Christ came to us, He didn't spend His time with the clean and neat, the rich and mighty. He came for the sick, the dying, the poor and crying. He knelt down to help the weak, held hands with the crippled. He was the ultimate youth worker, the ultimate healer of the ages, the one who loved those who none felt were worth to be loved. I am humbled by His love and work for mankind, His utmost devotion to the human race despite our utter undeserving, ungrateful nature. And He is teaching me, step by step, to see things as He sees them, to be grateful for one more day, and to love without restriction, as He loves us.

I hope one day I may truly learn this lesson. Praise be to Him.