Last minute preparations

panic, v.
2. intr. To give way to panic; to get into a panic; to lose one's head.
(Oxford English Dictionary)

So... yeah. I panicked for a while today packing and getting ready for the trip. It happens, and it's just not fun to worry like that about anything. And I'm fretting, grouchy, snapping at my parents... and then I took a shower and really thought things over and realized just how blind I've been in this state of panic, just how unaware I am of the way I worship perfectionism, the way I look to it as if that is the answer to all my problems. But it's not, and it never will be.

The Holy Spirit made it very clear that perfectionism, this thing that so many of us try to feed as if we could ever be perfect, as if we could ever attain that state of perfection and flawlessness, destroys us. It runs our lives, it makes us forget what life is really about. I realized that and looked back at just what I need to do, just what I've lost in this state of trying to plan this trip to make it perfect, for things not to go "wrong" and I see that I've abandoned two things that are essential to being a Christ-follower and a righteous person: kindness and respect for others. I'm grateful that He showed me that side of myself, that part of me that has not surrendered to Him, that pride that still sits vehemently in my heart and what I need to do to surrender that to Him. It is all about trust, all about humbleness, all about absolute, unconditional faith. And I've given the "remote control" of this trip, of my entire trip, all to Him. It's not about me, it's not about how much I plan or I try or what I do, but it's all, and it must all be about Him and He taught that to me today through His Holy Spirit and His beautiful Word.

Thank You, Lord, for showing me the Way, for forevermore loving me even when I'm so utterly unlovable. Thank You.