Discovering the Self

[Copied from my private blog, originally dated 11 April 2009]

It's so funny how people love to stand on a podium and speak out against issues, against things, against ideas, yet the moment the person behind the words is revealed, that person hides in vulnerability. Behind the cape, the showmanship, the glamor, who is that person?

I had to see myself recently as I spent some time in an impoverished area in London as I really am. Challenged to the maximum, I cracked under pressure. What can I say? After over two years of being a Christian, my love for Christ is still minimal compared to what it can be and how strong it can be. It was a real wake up call for me to realize that I am in a place of privilege and what I do with that privilege is absolutely essential to my life as a Christian.

More specifically, I mean to say that I was in a tough area of London, an area where "youth work" essentially means working with 13 to 19 year old predominantly black male youth who are usually involved in gun crimes, kniving crimes, and other crimes of the sort... I found myself judging the community, the people, and especially the youth. I found myself unwilling to compromise, and very unhappy with my sickness, my flat, my flatmates, and the overall chaotic nature of the work. I found myself, frankly, as I really see things - from a privileged, ungrateful point of view.

This was confirmed when I went to meet one of my friends in Central London one day and afterwards, went to Regent's Park to sit for a little bit... I just realized as I sat in the park how much I missed being in a safer, nicer place, how much I missed seeing mothers and kids play nicely in the playground and having everything clean and neat around me. I walked back to the Underground and upon getting on the lift, I observed two men and one woman, all within their twenties looking very posh and affluent. I listened in on their conversation, not particularly by choice.

There was a board next to the lift that had two columns, each labeled "platform 1" and "platform 2" respectively. Below the label were a list of the stations each train on the respective platform would be carrying its passengers. One guy joked to the girl saying, "imagine if the lift took you directly to the station listed" refering to the board. The girl, looking appalled and reluctant at the idea, responded with something to the effect of, "God forbid I end up in Queen's Park".

Thing was, the place I volunteer is there. Yet I fully understood her point although I myself was repulsed by her response. I felt God tug at that shameful side of myself, of the pride of being "above" those people over there, of wanting to be isolated from such a place. Am I so highly religious and orderly that I am "above" such a place and people? Never! Yet, Christ was reshaping my perspective to see just how worldly my perspective has been and how unworldly it must become if He is to use it for His will. I felt utterly convicted, and quite ashamed of myself.

When Christ came to us, He didn't spend His time with the clean and neat, the rich and mighty. He came for the sick, the dying, the poor and crying. He knelt down to help the weak, held hands with the crippled. He was the ultimate youth worker, the ultimate healer of the ages, the one who loved those who none felt were worth to be loved. I am humbled by His love and work for mankind, His utmost devotion to the human race despite our utter undeserving, ungrateful nature. And He is teaching me, step by step, to see things as He sees them, to be grateful for one more day, and to love without restriction, as He loves us.

I hope one day I may truly learn this lesson. Praise be to Him.