By far, this is one of the most personal entries I'll ever put in this blog... but I think it's okay, because it means that much to me... It's a true testimony to how good God can be in my life and everyone else's if we just let go and trust, and if we stop worrying about what others may think or our own insecurities and... just praise Him and His Glory, especially when He blesses us, as He most definitely had this day:
2 May 2009... I'll never forget this day. What a beautiful day it was.
I came in a blue dress with white flowers, a gray cardigan over me to keep the wind from sweeping up and causing me to shiver... Stu came as himself, his hair gelled, wearing a t-shirt and thin short-sleeve shirt over it that, with large cargo pants and big boots... We were going to meet at Notting Hill Gate but ended up meeting at the Speaker's Corner of Hyde Park after I'd missed my bus stop. He came on a local bus to find me, and we hugged upon seeing one another, immediately smiling to begin the journey...
What a journey it was... We began walking through Hyde Park, into the beautiful London streets towards Victoria, where he would show me the memorial that Queen Victoria built for her husband... this enormous monument with her husband in gold at the center and four massive pieces of art at each corner, each representing a continent. After admiring the piece, we went on to catch a bus then the tube to Camden market... all the while the conversation is edging towards the topic of the date itself...
We got off the tube and I asked him if we could hold hands, he looked at me with a smile and said he was just about to ask the same thing... we held hands and walked around the market... revealing to each other how we felt, i told him i liked him from the start, he told me he was buying his time... we both came to the conclusion that we'd liked each other, but just hadn't told each other... and he kept stroking my hand, saying how soft it was... laughing out of the spur of the moment for no other reason than mere glee... we walked around the market and all the while he is explaining the history of the market as a horse hospital, about the stalls as former stables, and we took some pictures... and I felt self-conscious of holding hands with him, though inside I was happy, really happy to be doing so... We ate some Thai food and sat along the canal... among hoards of other people, laughing about the fact that we're on a date, finding more about each other... and at one point I initally made the suggestion that perhaps we should make our relationship official...
But as we veered out of Camden market, as we kept walking, I froze in fear. My emotions shut off and I just wanted out. I just wanted to be away and run, run as far as possible from the situation... and I told him honestly that actually, no... No, I don't think we should start dating officially, I think rather that... we should just be unofficially dating, that we should um, just not make it open for people to know yet, and... uh... in my mind, I kept racing for reasons, in my mind I thought, what if I just see him as a brother in Christ and nothing more? What if, what if? And Stu listened patiently and said that we can take this as slow as I'd like, that he understands, but I felt like a bird caught in a trap... completely taken aback by the situation... though when we agreed to not be "official", I sighed in relief and looked at him admiringly... and wondered what in the world I was so scared of... later on I realized that it was a defense mechanism, that it was my self-consciousness and my fear of what others may think, of my fears in general about letting myself get into a relationship...
So we walked on to Primrose Hill, and as we climbed the hill, Stu told me that I wasn't allowed to look down until we get to the top, and I said that it was like he was blindfolding me, and laughed... but when I got to the top and looked down, I was glad of what he said. In front of me was the most beautiful London skyline... it wasn't even from the very top but that didn't matter, it was so beautiful... and then for him to point out what each of the major structures were... the London eye, this building and that... I felt so overwhelmed. We picked a patch of grass and sat on it... cuddling. I wasn't the most comfortable at first just because it'd been so long since I'd been with anyone... and he was so, so nervous as well... both of our hearts were racing ridiculously fast, but I could tell how happy he was by the short sighs he'd give as he smiled... and the way he kept thanking me for coming out, though I kept telling him that he didn't need to thank me...
We stayed on the hill for hours, just talking and being with each other... sitting under a tree, telling stories about ourselves, our childhoods, our best friends and our family members... telling each other about our initial fears, about our hopes and dreams... and of course talking about our relationship... and I looked through his art pieces, complimenting his art, and he gave an original piece to me, saying "you're worth it" and traced my hand behind it... writing me a note inside the hand he drew... telling me not to open it until I left... and a Jack Russell dog kept coming along beside us, and children, and others...
After the hill we wanted to go to Regent's Park so we headed in that direction, walking.. and I still didn't feel sure, but I definitely was still enjoying myself... Stu introduced me to the London Zoo, saying that we ought to go one day... and I agreed and also suggested that we go see a Shakespearean play at the Globe Theatre... so we got to Regent's Park, and Stu took me along the path where we can see some of the zoo animals roaming around, I saw a kangeroo and camel, among other things... and we tried to find the Queen Mary's Garden, but ended up going the wrong way, so we just happily found this brown bench instead.. and sat down beside one another, cuddling... and being that my carnigan was off and he had his arms wrapped around me, he would put his face on my shoulders, and I could feel the scratchy feel of his beard on my skin... and I love rubbing his back, though he says he'll fall asleep if I do that enough since his father used to do that to him as a child to make him fall asleep and I'd try and give him a massage though he also says that makes him lethargic.. and he'd touch my wrist the way Ray Charles did so when he was alive to tell if a woman is pretty since Ray himself was blind...
And it was getting chilly, so he held tightly onto me.. and when I asked him about the distance thing, about all of the things that could prevent us from working out... he said, "Love has no boundaries" and essentially told me that he'd make it work... and I was completely honest with him about what I thought, about those fears and frustrations, and he said simply, "You think too much..."
We then took the tube to the Tower of London and walked along the Thames, and given that we got hungry, decided to walk across the Tower of London to find some food... and we found Subway's, and shared a footlong chicken terriyaki sub, sitting by the river... and he showed me videos of his niece and his dog... and texted his sister beside me... so we just enjoyed sitting a while...
And we went to see St. Paul's Cathedral, but it was getting later in the day, so all the shops were closed, and the streets were pretty empty... and all the while he had his arm around me and I had both of mine around him... and we just walked and talked, enjoying each other's company... we tried to find a loo, but couldn't find one in the area, and the one we did locate was dysfunctional, so we eventually decided on going to the Tate Modern for their facilities...
It was getting chilly and later in the day, nearing night... so we walked along the Thames nearing the museum, very much alone for most of the journey, taking photographs and laughing... he kept telling me stories and kept going on about the history of places, battleships and whatnot... we walked across on the London Bridge (a manmade steel bridge built primarily for its function and not for its style) and got to the Tate Modern... we went to use its facilities, then sat down and just snuggled up to one another, his arms around me... and he took out his notebook at one point and gave it to me with a pink pen, asking me to write some prayer request for him to keep in mind and he did the same for me... and as he was writing, I stroked circles on his knee with my fingertips... not exactly sure why, but it felt right... and afterwards, I ringed Katie about the tube times and found out that the Oxford Tube runs 24 hours... so I decided to stay a little longer, and I'm ecstatic that I did...
My favorite part of the date was our chilly but amazingly romantic walk alongside the Thames River, heading towards Big Ben and Parliament. He had his arm around me and I had both of mine around him, holding each other close as we looked upon the river with the city at night shining brightly ahead, the reflections flickering like candlelight on the river... and we passed the aquarium, and the National Gallery, and these trees lit with blue and white lights, the most beautiful trees... and lots of people walking, other couples walking... and he laughed sporadically, dazed in happiness, and sometimes turned his head to look me in the eyes, smiling... and we got to a bench, ironically the closest one to the bridge and the one with the best sight of Big Ben and Parliament... as if it was reserved just for this moment... and we sat down, watching as Big Ben made itself known at the quarter of the hour with its loud proclaimations to the night sky, its glowing green colour so beautiful, so nearby... and I leaned on him, so comfortable, so happy, so blessed, as we sat silently, both praising God in our hearts and minds, both in disbelief at the day, both never wanting to move anywhere else... just stay... and when he asked me what was going through my mind, I said simply, "I don't want to leave..." and we just sat comfortably, savouring the moment... even when some German guys joined us for a little, and even when they left, it didn't matter so much where we were... somehow it was... perfect.
But after half an hour of sitting, and realizing that I needed to get home else it'd be really late when I get back to Oxford, we got up and went on the tube to get to Victoria, to my bus station... he said I should get a cab this time of night to be safe so that he didn't have to "kill anyone" who hurts me. And there we were even closer, as I wrapped my arms around his neck and he had his around my waist and held onto me until the bus came... all the while, there was a National Express bus that came and he asked, "Is that your bus?" and upon me saying no, he said, "oh, thank God" and held me closer... but a few minutes later my bus showed, and we hugged, and he told me to let him know when I get home safely so he wouldn't worry... and I gave him a kiss on the cheek, which he smiled in complete and utter amusement afterwards... and held hands until I went onto the bus...
But even as I sat on the second level of the bus, he stayed outside, leaning against the wall (or was it a ledge?), waiting for the bus to leave... and I smiled at him often, amused at his waiting... but he didn't budge... even when the bus was starting to move, he stayed and I waved to him and blew him a kiss...
